“I smell of you…. Your scent is still fresh on my body …I feel absurd… your persuasiveness makes it impossible to deny you your happiness”… i try hard to seek pleasure out of what makes him feel happy…but its harder than I thought… denying my love for him isn’t easy…deny being used is hard but I somehow still ponder upon and manage…still gave into what he wished for.. … I feel hollow…I feel consumed by this love for him but yet it does not bother him…. He is always unmoved by my affectionate touches… I so wish that it was not out of his unchaste desires but his wishful love for me …but hoping against hope is as if I am trying to live with a figment of my imagination…. “ I cant marry you… I cant be in a relationship“ …he says… does that mean I scare him?.... I have never asked him for a relationship with me…does he still think I want to …. He answers all my unasked questions…. Is there anything like the “right guy”… I am scared …confused…shaken… destroyed…. I am sad … am I in love… have I forgotten my past….i feel like the “eighteen year old me” questioning if distance matters when you really love someone…does being physical with someone make a relationship stronger…. I have been proved wrong…. My love doesn’t really matter when someone just wants physical gratification out of me… he can always escape by saying “ I cant marry you”…and I will stand there confused and stupefied yet again….
…I cant even hug him when others are around…expecting a relationship is something I am least upto…. He might feel embarrassed being associated with me …. … I am weird… “still be friends”… I don’t know if I can take that … a friend who shall never go out for a movie or a walk with this friend… a secret friend…huh… devastated …. I am by my own thoughts and actions…
Losing him has begun… I shall not remember him the way I wanted to…It is going to get nasty… I am a plaything to him… he has no emotions for me…and I still let him take me…. He is not interested what makes my being…he just wants to find out how good in bed can he be…at times I feel he is a kid trying to experiment ….and using me as an apparatus …yes I am supposed to have no emotions… cant stop them…can I ? he is using my love for him to the utmost… he thinks he is gaining a score … and me… I am losing everything… submissive again… I am an “easy fuck”… soon I will be talked about among his friends as if I am the roadside slut… so why am I even doing this to myself… retard… he makes out with me and the next instant he detaches himself from any indulgent emotion by letting me know that his mom is to get him married elsewhere…so indirectly he wishes to tell me “ that I am just his fuck buddy”…. Man…I have a title now …an elite one indeed… sarcasm isn’t enough to smirk at my condition… my head feels so heavy…my heart choked..and yet I cant cry …. I am SAD…despair… and the only people who can make me happy are the ones feeding on my emotions and feelings…feeding on the little happiness that’s left inside me… for then… they will snatch away every single emotion of mine… already lifeless…dead to be soon… I am losing it… I shall die… I don’t have the right to ask ..question or argue ..i am being considered inanimate…so what is the use living … there is no light ray at the end of the tunnel …and there is no one for me… I will be lonely throughout my life… if I wish to live…
I wouldn’t spoil it for him… I will be of good USE …I will never tell him what I feel …he would never understand… “there is nothing to be scared”….how do I tell him this…. He is too young and immature to be asked for a commitment….he is too young to get married… its not his fault… I shall endure this too… my love is unconditional for him…I will silently walk away from his life without causing any melodrama … I will keep things simple for him by being this lifeless being he expects me to be… I shall love more but the key to my expression lies in his hands which wouldn’t ever open to hug me out of love… I am damned but at least his life will be blissful… I don’t know what I am stepping into…but its already started…the gyres are moving ….and I am trapped… waiting to be thrown in hell…
I am jinxed… there is no one for me now...yet i strongly feel attracted to him..he puts a smile on my sad face for reasons unknown… terrified …. I want to die ….. I wish to die…sooner than this past instant … I am so lonely… I am suicidal… help me …I am losing you….
I am not going to talk to him from now …he hurts me …ignores me … is rude to me… insensitive to whatever I say…. Now that he has had his way out from me ..he acts so shallow… he makes me feel sorry for something I never wanted to be a part of ….I guess I shall eventually turn into this being that I am not..
He cries for someone whom he cant have ... I have cried enough for people I have been with and lost … I shall not even think about crying for a guy like him … yes, I was used … now no more… I am committed to my sins now… I will make my life perfect without anyone being a part of it…save my emotions forever…
The kiss, the hug, the make outs… forget everything and more… god curse me to be inhuman … have never been a part of this universe… sadomasochistic… hate mankind and be a sadist … take pleasure in others miseries… I will be happy being so…
… I might commit suicide in the days to come… but I wont leave you now…because now I wouldn’t wait to hear you say “I found you” …because for the last time I say “I found you”….i love you ...be mine and spend life with me…now and always… bless me with your love…
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