When sometimes you have a bunch full of your own thorns in life, even if its all flowers you try and avoid company. This weekend I had decided to stay alone and spend some time writing and doing things I like my way. For this I even didn't go out with Ma and Pa to Vaisno Devi. I am not the greatest fan of someone up there called God but I love the trek. I love walking that long stretch up the hill - you return back with aching thighs but a lot more active than what you are at home. At least it works for me.also, it was ma and pa's 30th Anniversary on 13th Dec and I wanted them to be by themselves and explore if there is that little streak of happiness and love left in them. I hope they have.
I fell a little ill on Thu so it was decided that I wouldn't go. To my bad luck Ma called S to stay with me. I have known her for a long time now, like really long, more than 10 years for sure. She is fine to talk to and since her Mum is good friends with Ma our friendship has lasted pretty long. She can be a little mean and is all the time sarcastic. Full of negativity, she can hardly say something positive. She came home with a dump-load of issues to be discussed and out went my peace. I could not write, relax or anything. She was bossing me around and cribbing and all melancholy all the time. I just didn't know what to do.
Even though she is gone now, I am still a little irritated by her ever comparing and envious nature. Maybe I will have my peace once I am leave for Bangalore. I will be meeting M there and staying with him. Its been so long that I have loved and caressed him. So long that I have even kissed him. I miss him every single day that passes by. My ever-growing love for him remains the same though - he is the most amazing person I have known. I love you with all my heart.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
License to Bitch # 5
If you think ignorance can put me away then you are so damn wrong you bitch....you are so gay... i hope once in life you become Man enough and feel the grit in life because you lack the balls to face it. . . you tard face i still hope god grants you strength enough to face your blasted soul. . . not too long...the end is near... you whore. . diseased you are...you are one harlot whose cries wouldn't be heard... you would want to die but death will deceive you...
Love and Committment
I shall be at PEACE when you wage a WAR because I would know then....it was for REAL ......monotony of life takes a stand upon me...STAY for I believe you are the REASON
Two entirely different entities and yet they homogeneously exist together. Without being committed to the emotion of love I can’t seem to live the imperfect perfectly. I am a random soul; a vagabond in search of the odd and unreal. Bet you must be wishing me luck on reading that. If only love and commitment needed luck to co-exist. Will, ambition and aspirations guide this soulful emotion. A rational mind always seems to obstruct the very foundation of the abstract. “Love is an abyss”- once a friend of mine wrote and passed on the paper to me. It was in reply to something that I wrote once-“You are a milestone, to reach up to the zenith of your love my utmost desire”. It’s always an illusion that guides this abstract emotion. It’s always a ‘desire’ to give better than what you seek from the same. I have always delved into the emotion so much that I might have lost or forgotten myself in an attempt to live, sustain and prove the abstract. I have always ended up being questioned. People still would continue to say-“Love is the answer to everything”. I would say it’s clearly subjective. I have always given more than one seeks out of me. This emotion has drained me off my energies at times and I still strive to live up to it. Weird again! People who know me say I overdo it. People who are still learning my nature call me crazy and the unknown stay away from the foolish me. I am still committed to love though.
Two entirely different entities and yet they homogeneously exist together. Without being committed to the emotion of love I can’t seem to live the imperfect perfectly. I am a random soul; a vagabond in search of the odd and unreal. Bet you must be wishing me luck on reading that. If only love and commitment needed luck to co-exist. Will, ambition and aspirations guide this soulful emotion. A rational mind always seems to obstruct the very foundation of the abstract. “Love is an abyss”- once a friend of mine wrote and passed on the paper to me. It was in reply to something that I wrote once-“You are a milestone, to reach up to the zenith of your love my utmost desire”. It’s always an illusion that guides this abstract emotion. It’s always a ‘desire’ to give better than what you seek from the same. I have always delved into the emotion so much that I might have lost or forgotten myself in an attempt to live, sustain and prove the abstract. I have always ended up being questioned. People still would continue to say-“Love is the answer to everything”. I would say it’s clearly subjective. I have always given more than one seeks out of me. This emotion has drained me off my energies at times and I still strive to live up to it. Weird again! People who know me say I overdo it. People who are still learning my nature call me crazy and the unknown stay away from the foolish me. I am still committed to love though.
License to Bitch # 4
I wish I could eat you alive for doing and saying some things to me. I wish I were the aggressive one from the past years who would scream her lungs out if she felt something wrong was being done to her. I wish I could slaughter the side of me which is a lot more fragile and sensitive to emotions. I wish I could just be the rational being I once was. Stay guarded in my shell and let no one enter. I wish I were the rude me who would break you down into infinitesimal pieces and see them precipitate in my fuming rage.
But I soulfully wish that your emotions die not a peaceful death each time they are subjected to misery. A kind of misery that is unheard . Die bitch die.
But I soulfully wish that your emotions die not a peaceful death each time they are subjected to misery. A kind of misery that is unheard . Die bitch die.
License to Bitch # 3
Psyched Out ??
Sadistic pleasure rules the world. I am the best at this art but i rarely use it to the utmost of my potential. I somehow just can not see any benefits attached to it. Wonder how people see it. I was almost arguing today - psyche me out to death. But kido, better luck next time. I wish you knew me. I say that often these days. Am i growing too confident of myself. If i am, its the best i could be. Pure Evil Me. Sometimes when u know yourself so much it acts to your benefit. Ok now i am complimenting myself too much. Narcissistic tendencies in full awe and display. I the loves it. I better stop it now.
So yeah, psyching me out isnt an easy task. I have way too much of that positive energy you crave for. Borrow some if you want. You so wish it could be borrowed. Dont you :P? Ok thats all for teasing you. Seriously! give it a thought. Why the hell would i enjoy making you sad? I like happy thoughts remember. The least i would want is to hurt you. But it is true, there is always someone's loss behind someone elses gain. If i gain, someone might be losing. For that fear i wouldnt step back. Call me selfish. But that makes me happy sadist. And i came with the weirdest of terms. What the hell is a Happy Sadist ??? Hahahaha. I guess it only suits me.
For people who want to plunge into my anger and impatience and enjoy the ride. Happy me. Hehehe...i am quite a tease. Stay away. I might be feeding on your thoughts and filling up the void within me and you might think that you are the one who is the master. So come out of your delusions and stop hallucinating. Look at me. Stare deep into my twinkling eyes. Happy me!!!
Still smiling !!! Happy sadist!!! Whatever!!
Learn to mind your own business
If you want to step in shit and enjoy the mushyness, you will still be in SHIT.
Sadistic pleasure rules the world. I am the best at this art but i rarely use it to the utmost of my potential. I somehow just can not see any benefits attached to it. Wonder how people see it. I was almost arguing today - psyche me out to death. But kido, better luck next time. I wish you knew me. I say that often these days. Am i growing too confident of myself. If i am, its the best i could be. Pure Evil Me. Sometimes when u know yourself so much it acts to your benefit. Ok now i am complimenting myself too much. Narcissistic tendencies in full awe and display. I the loves it. I better stop it now.
So yeah, psyching me out isnt an easy task. I have way too much of that positive energy you crave for. Borrow some if you want. You so wish it could be borrowed. Dont you :P? Ok thats all for teasing you. Seriously! give it a thought. Why the hell would i enjoy making you sad? I like happy thoughts remember. The least i would want is to hurt you. But it is true, there is always someone's loss behind someone elses gain. If i gain, someone might be losing. For that fear i wouldnt step back. Call me selfish. But that makes me happy sadist. And i came with the weirdest of terms. What the hell is a Happy Sadist ??? Hahahaha. I guess it only suits me.
For people who want to plunge into my anger and impatience and enjoy the ride. Happy me. Hehehe...i am quite a tease. Stay away. I might be feeding on your thoughts and filling up the void within me and you might think that you are the one who is the master. So come out of your delusions and stop hallucinating. Look at me. Stare deep into my twinkling eyes. Happy me!!!
Still smiling !!! Happy sadist!!! Whatever!!
Learn to mind your own business
If you want to step in shit and enjoy the mushyness, you will still be in SHIT.
License to bitch # 2
Adversities of being in a gameshow ::::::::::::::F.A.T loser
>Fame
>Attention
>Title
Learnt it all. You aint a kid to understand the above mentioned or are you ?
Fame is like lust; the more you get drawn to it the more you crave for it. You cant abstain yourself from diving into the pleasures of it. You end up going so far that u never realise its eating you up from the inside and dwelling a void within you. Ok! i made it sound really bad. Ahem Ahem! Well its not so bad actually. Its hard to live upto true fame. Its infamy that follows most of the cases. You are envied so much that you actually fail to live upto it. A single foil in the process of reaching an unblemished state of fame can cause you to retire. So don't lose hope alright. As i have already mentioned, I was never made for fame. I have agreed upon this instance that i stated once and for all. Somehow people end up hating you no matter what you do and why you do. They wouldnt understand you or your thought process involved in the minutest of decisions. They will be always there to question you and claim their warrant to truth. So honoured men and women, i am off your list to compete for fame. Get swooned into its wonders and let me know. I would be right here waiting for you with a patient ear.
Attention is another thing that i cant really relate to. I am confused about this one. At times i am a loner. Actually most of the times. There are times when i suffer from Attention Deficiency Syndrome(ADS -thats what my friend A calls it). Well ADS is also very weird in my case. Even if people give me attention while in this state, i still feel lonely somehow. How odd is that? I dont go sad since Sad doesnt exist in my vocabulary of emotions anymore but i happen to pick up some pesimistic ideas in such a state of being. I need to work on this one. Its foolish that i crave for attention and even though i get it, i still feel the void within me. Alas! a new mystery to explore and i thought i knew myself so well. Attention in the case of gameshows is unwanted for me all the time. I like to socialize but when a big chunk of the humankind wants to know you. It becomes boring. Its like repeating the same instances again and again and again. Borrriiiinnnng!!!! I wish people had things to talk about other than beauty, career and attributes. I am not selling myself to the world. Uh huh!!! So hold on honey. Thats where i say Stop. Dont push me too hard, you might just topple yourself trying to know me. Incase you have querries, please read my blog. I am not an arrogant bitch but i do get bored at times.
Titles are the most impressive things you get being on a gameshow. Well people have recently called me a slut, a bitch, a fakie, nice, confusing,dumb,cunning, weirdo, pagal, insane and blah blah blah. Which one of those are true? Convince me and i might just believe them all. People have a problem with me spreading my love and kisses. Yes, did you ever wonder that could be a problem to all this. Even i fail to reckon it. That is absolute truth though. If you spread love more than needed people come on to bite you. They dont envy your presence, they hate it. People seriously my love is for everyone. I hope a day comes when you shall believe me. Despair!!!
So basically that makes me a Big F.A.T loser ...hehehe...you really hope that was true. dont you. But sorry to dissapoint you, i m still smiling and still happy. Ask me how and i would just grin back at you.
>Fame
>Attention
>Title
Learnt it all. You aint a kid to understand the above mentioned or are you ?
Fame is like lust; the more you get drawn to it the more you crave for it. You cant abstain yourself from diving into the pleasures of it. You end up going so far that u never realise its eating you up from the inside and dwelling a void within you. Ok! i made it sound really bad. Ahem Ahem! Well its not so bad actually. Its hard to live upto true fame. Its infamy that follows most of the cases. You are envied so much that you actually fail to live upto it. A single foil in the process of reaching an unblemished state of fame can cause you to retire. So don't lose hope alright. As i have already mentioned, I was never made for fame. I have agreed upon this instance that i stated once and for all. Somehow people end up hating you no matter what you do and why you do. They wouldnt understand you or your thought process involved in the minutest of decisions. They will be always there to question you and claim their warrant to truth. So honoured men and women, i am off your list to compete for fame. Get swooned into its wonders and let me know. I would be right here waiting for you with a patient ear.
Attention is another thing that i cant really relate to. I am confused about this one. At times i am a loner. Actually most of the times. There are times when i suffer from Attention Deficiency Syndrome(ADS -thats what my friend A calls it). Well ADS is also very weird in my case. Even if people give me attention while in this state, i still feel lonely somehow. How odd is that? I dont go sad since Sad doesnt exist in my vocabulary of emotions anymore but i happen to pick up some pesimistic ideas in such a state of being. I need to work on this one. Its foolish that i crave for attention and even though i get it, i still feel the void within me. Alas! a new mystery to explore and i thought i knew myself so well. Attention in the case of gameshows is unwanted for me all the time. I like to socialize but when a big chunk of the humankind wants to know you. It becomes boring. Its like repeating the same instances again and again and again. Borrriiiinnnng!!!! I wish people had things to talk about other than beauty, career and attributes. I am not selling myself to the world. Uh huh!!! So hold on honey. Thats where i say Stop. Dont push me too hard, you might just topple yourself trying to know me. Incase you have querries, please read my blog. I am not an arrogant bitch but i do get bored at times.
Titles are the most impressive things you get being on a gameshow. Well people have recently called me a slut, a bitch, a fakie, nice, confusing,dumb,cunning, weirdo, pagal, insane and blah blah blah. Which one of those are true? Convince me and i might just believe them all. People have a problem with me spreading my love and kisses. Yes, did you ever wonder that could be a problem to all this. Even i fail to reckon it. That is absolute truth though. If you spread love more than needed people come on to bite you. They dont envy your presence, they hate it. People seriously my love is for everyone. I hope a day comes when you shall believe me. Despair!!!
So basically that makes me a Big F.A.T loser ...hehehe...you really hope that was true. dont you. But sorry to dissapoint you, i m still smiling and still happy. Ask me how and i would just grin back at you.
License to bitch # 1
I am benumbed. Left in a not so comfortable state of my being. Thoughts come into my mind:-
> I know I am not a fake
> Am I tagged as a Bitch, finally?
> I don't need to justify myself to anyone but i guess i still would
> Have I not met people who I would cherish for life?
> I have met more people who hate me rather than people who understand me.
> Am I that confusing a character?
> Have I started to care about people's opinions ?
> Am I feeling guilty ?
The mass that I am made of, no one has ever known. I am a humble enthusiastic loved by everyone kind of girl. The least I would care for is a show. I am one of the biggest players in life whose learnt from her own follies. Foils of life that i wouldn't want anyone to go through. If i have ever hated anyone out of my claims to loving all, its only because they have much to learn from life and have done things that might just leave you still and breathless if you heard them. You would be startled and dead to think. I wish to cause no harm by whatever I say. I have tried to never harm anyone. I am not here to justify myself. I know what I am and I know what i can be. For the rest of you learn to be happy in life. There is life beyond reaping on sadistic pleasure. For all you know i am the best at it.
I am very much in Love with myself, unmoved and all smiles. I have greater things to live up to and prove in my life. I am all set for the game of life. Muwaaah !!! Love you all loads.
I am Pure Evil.
> I know I am not a fake
> Am I tagged as a Bitch, finally?
> I don't need to justify myself to anyone but i guess i still would
> Have I not met people who I would cherish for life?
> I have met more people who hate me rather than people who understand me.
> Am I that confusing a character?
> Have I started to care about people's opinions ?
> Am I feeling guilty ?
The mass that I am made of, no one has ever known. I am a humble enthusiastic loved by everyone kind of girl. The least I would care for is a show. I am one of the biggest players in life whose learnt from her own follies. Foils of life that i wouldn't want anyone to go through. If i have ever hated anyone out of my claims to loving all, its only because they have much to learn from life and have done things that might just leave you still and breathless if you heard them. You would be startled and dead to think. I wish to cause no harm by whatever I say. I have tried to never harm anyone. I am not here to justify myself. I know what I am and I know what i can be. For the rest of you learn to be happy in life. There is life beyond reaping on sadistic pleasure. For all you know i am the best at it.
I am very much in Love with myself, unmoved and all smiles. I have greater things to live up to and prove in my life. I am all set for the game of life. Muwaaah !!! Love you all loads.
I am Pure Evil.
Abuse Warrant
What the fuck ...why the fuck ... who the fuck ...where the fuck...how the fuck???
A license to fuck with words and screw them to their infinitesimal existence is how you can earn the warrant to abuse!! Molest someone's wit and make personal statements and you would manage to get vivid forms of abuses. Why am I talking about abuses?? Well there was a stage in life when I couldn't bear the word fuck....and then a phase when I couldn't abstain saying the same...and again a phase when I left them...and now again a phase when I am tempted to but do not wish to... phrases like you are my sweetest bitch are compliments now...huh!!!...that's true and i am gay !!! I am writing absolute SHIT...feeling verbally slutty ...yep my tongue wants a taste of every cracked up vocabulary and make love with it..... why am I saying all this??...I am Drunk!!! and FUCK YOU .... Muwaahh
A license to fuck with words and screw them to their infinitesimal existence is how you can earn the warrant to abuse!! Molest someone's wit and make personal statements and you would manage to get vivid forms of abuses. Why am I talking about abuses?? Well there was a stage in life when I couldn't bear the word fuck....and then a phase when I couldn't abstain saying the same...and again a phase when I left them...and now again a phase when I am tempted to but do not wish to... phrases like you are my sweetest bitch are compliments now...huh!!!...that's true and i am gay !!! I am writing absolute SHIT...feeling verbally slutty ...yep my tongue wants a taste of every cracked up vocabulary and make love with it..... why am I saying all this??...I am Drunk!!! and FUCK YOU .... Muwaahh
Happy thoughts for Me
There are several things that make me happy so i am happy most of the time since its easier to bump into several than one. Har Gali Nukkad main miltey hain merey happy thoughts bus palak jhapakney ki der hai.
1) I have always loved people for no matter who they are and what they are. There are exceptions but exceptions are rarer in my case.
2) I have always believed it to be true that one good done can heal your senses and bring that smile back on.
3) Raindrops on my face make me go crazily happy. I feel like God's own child.
4) Cartwheels for instant fun
5) Hanging upside down is an instant stress buster
6) Name calling and abusing in case you've done a blunder in my life. My imagination runs wilder than you think. So beware.
7)Singing out loud all the cheap songs I have ever heard. Dardey disco, Taquila ki ek shot hun main, Talli are a few examples.
8)Kicking away people from my life who treat me like a douchebag. I remove them from my orkut, facebook, phonebook and lifebook. Machar jo khoon choostey hain unko zinda rehney ka koi haq nahi. Terminated. Saalon Jao Maro. Meri jaan mat khao. I feel I have the power to erase them though I have no grudges against any of them. You dont like me enough so dont be a spoiler. Happy me.
9)Dancing around crazy
10) Chocolates to pamper
11)Shopping for myself
12)Amusement park rides or a mere swing can make me happy.
13)Running on the road , jumping over bars and dancing while driving helps.
14) Reading "the Secret" and watching happy shows on Disney
15) Talking to people who make me smile no matter what they say.
16)Playing with kids.
17)Writing happy things in my blog.
18)Talking pervert and gay always makes me smile. Dunno about others.
19)Clicking my pictures and filling up my albums. Yes, I am self obsessed. You mind?
20)Kissing the mirror. Yes, I am a narcissist. You mind again?
21) Jumping on the bed
22)Putting my head into the freezer
23)Going to the beauty parlour and getting a face massage. Yes, I have girlie demands too.
24)Meeting people who are pleasant and easy to talk to.
25) Talking to P. She is my best friend.
26)Day dreaming about being rich and spending my money on trivial materialistic things.
27)Verbally flirt with as many a day I can. Ask them out to marry me. Get gayly rejected or accepted and wake up the next day still single.
28)Roaming around naked in the house when no one is around.
29)Look at happy pictures with friends and remind myslef that i have a social life.
30)Watching happy movies.
31)Washing clothes is a good distraction and even cleaning my cupboard.
32)Eating a good meal.
33)Exercising
34)Watching the sun rise
35)Sleeping and being lazy
1) I have always loved people for no matter who they are and what they are. There are exceptions but exceptions are rarer in my case.
2) I have always believed it to be true that one good done can heal your senses and bring that smile back on.
3) Raindrops on my face make me go crazily happy. I feel like God's own child.
4) Cartwheels for instant fun
5) Hanging upside down is an instant stress buster
6) Name calling and abusing in case you've done a blunder in my life. My imagination runs wilder than you think. So beware.
7)Singing out loud all the cheap songs I have ever heard. Dardey disco, Taquila ki ek shot hun main, Talli are a few examples.
8)Kicking away people from my life who treat me like a douchebag. I remove them from my orkut, facebook, phonebook and lifebook. Machar jo khoon choostey hain unko zinda rehney ka koi haq nahi. Terminated. Saalon Jao Maro. Meri jaan mat khao. I feel I have the power to erase them though I have no grudges against any of them. You dont like me enough so dont be a spoiler. Happy me.
9)Dancing around crazy
10) Chocolates to pamper
11)Shopping for myself
12)Amusement park rides or a mere swing can make me happy.
13)Running on the road , jumping over bars and dancing while driving helps.
14) Reading "the Secret" and watching happy shows on Disney
15) Talking to people who make me smile no matter what they say.
16)Playing with kids.
17)Writing happy things in my blog.
18)Talking pervert and gay always makes me smile. Dunno about others.
19)Clicking my pictures and filling up my albums. Yes, I am self obsessed. You mind?
20)Kissing the mirror. Yes, I am a narcissist. You mind again?
21) Jumping on the bed
22)Putting my head into the freezer
23)Going to the beauty parlour and getting a face massage. Yes, I have girlie demands too.
24)Meeting people who are pleasant and easy to talk to.
25) Talking to P. She is my best friend.
26)Day dreaming about being rich and spending my money on trivial materialistic things.
27)Verbally flirt with as many a day I can. Ask them out to marry me. Get gayly rejected or accepted and wake up the next day still single.
28)Roaming around naked in the house when no one is around.
29)Look at happy pictures with friends and remind myslef that i have a social life.
30)Watching happy movies.
31)Washing clothes is a good distraction and even cleaning my cupboard.
32)Eating a good meal.
33)Exercising
34)Watching the sun rise
35)Sleeping and being lazy
Drunk or High on Life
Every alcohol label should have a note specially for me .... its not your requirement ... you are high on life .... what does alcohol do to me :-
1) Naughty
2)Notorious
3) Mischievous
4) Insane
5) Verbal Diarrhoea
6) Loud
7)Uninterrupted
8) Honest
9)Spontaneous and short of patience
10) Goofy and wild
11) Cheezy
12) Laughter Fits
13)Blunt and blatant
14)Entertaining
15)Stubborn and strong willed
16)Emotional
17)Stupid and irritating
18)Loser doing cartwheels
19)Develop Likes and dislikes for people
20)Me set on hyper mode
People who know me may think now.... this is how we know her...so what's the difference...well not much but its the I DONT CARE thing that takes over me and all these aspects can be spotted in full light and presence. You cant ignore my WIDE GRIN when i am drunk and my antics in full spectrum. I am saner when drunk and talk a whole lot of sense. So if you want an unbiased advice from ME....then get me drunk and ye shall receive your answers... i am more psychic and can judge peoples intentions in words and actions... so dont try pulling my tiny legs... you might get in trouble yourself... i don't turn into a bitch ...but for obvious reasons a board should be hung around my neck that says BEWARE of the drunk girl.
1) Naughty
2)Notorious
3) Mischievous
4) Insane
5) Verbal Diarrhoea
6) Loud
7)Uninterrupted
8) Honest
9)Spontaneous and short of patience
10) Goofy and wild
11) Cheezy
12) Laughter Fits
13)Blunt and blatant
14)Entertaining
15)Stubborn and strong willed
16)Emotional
17)Stupid and irritating
18)Loser doing cartwheels
19)Develop Likes and dislikes for people
20)Me set on hyper mode
People who know me may think now.... this is how we know her...so what's the difference...well not much but its the I DONT CARE thing that takes over me and all these aspects can be spotted in full light and presence. You cant ignore my WIDE GRIN when i am drunk and my antics in full spectrum. I am saner when drunk and talk a whole lot of sense. So if you want an unbiased advice from ME....then get me drunk and ye shall receive your answers... i am more psychic and can judge peoples intentions in words and actions... so dont try pulling my tiny legs... you might get in trouble yourself... i don't turn into a bitch ...but for obvious reasons a board should be hung around my neck that says BEWARE of the drunk girl.
Wake me up when it ends...
This part of my life is well described by the title. I am at this point - I really mean a 'point' when I say point. It's like standing at the edge of nothingness and neither can I enjoy a free fall, nor can I pace back.
I need some motivation to go on with my story. I am lazy. I am angry. I am tired. I have been every negative thought you can think of and I am not really enjoying being sadist at myself either.
A couple of years ahead I see myself really happy and with M. He is everything positive in my life and its there to stay. Its just hurts to be away from him though **sad smiley**.
I am trying to device a way to get to him as soon as I can but it seems Mr. Time wants me to wait a wee bit longer. What Mr. Time doesn't understand is that I need this now ...like right now. I have my calculations and for it to work perfect Mr. Time needs to follow what I want of him.
So, I shall wish for this little phase of my life to fade away soon and till then guide my energies to concentrate on my to-be-asset - a product of my intellect - my book.
I need some motivation to go on with my story. I am lazy. I am angry. I am tired. I have been every negative thought you can think of and I am not really enjoying being sadist at myself either.
A couple of years ahead I see myself really happy and with M. He is everything positive in my life and its there to stay. Its just hurts to be away from him though **sad smiley**.
I am trying to device a way to get to him as soon as I can but it seems Mr. Time wants me to wait a wee bit longer. What Mr. Time doesn't understand is that I need this now ...like right now. I have my calculations and for it to work perfect Mr. Time needs to follow what I want of him.
So, I shall wish for this little phase of my life to fade away soon and till then guide my energies to concentrate on my to-be-asset - a product of my intellect - my book.
May 30th 2009…Another Crazy Day!
I still remember that I had to once write a note on ‘A day when everything went wrong’ during my 1st semester post grad for my Communication Skills test. There is no comparison between what I wrote for the test (though I scored well) and what happened yesterday – it was totally INSANE!
Saturday dear Saturday came….I was sleeping away to M (heard Glory is no lesbian…My bad luck!)… My mobile rang…I saw the name on my cell phone…it was him…The Guy …I met at my cousin’s place after my his (cousin’s) wedding… befriended him and kept in touch …met again and then again yesterday…things had altered their ways again…He is one depressive guy I tell you…I keep laughing on the phone and he ends up messaging me “Are you ok? You don’t sound fine. Is everything good at your end?”.That’s for the description…so yeah!...I ask me to inform me when he is free..I was fine with meeting him alone at CP but still dunno what hit me, I called up A and asked her to join me at CP coz the last time he met he was being a little cheezy for my liking ... I end up meeting him at CP…we start talking and he is all frustrated at something I don’t understand….
“Thank you” he says…
“Thank you for taking out time for me”….He said it as if I had done some crime delaying the meet….”
“Last time it was different…I was relatively free and you were staying near my house…so could meet…I wasn’t even working then…”
He is still pissed…takes the conversation forward to rewind on my life though I deny stating anything about the past mess-ups in my life. Strange guy but is persuasive. Bonding over sad things...so negative….
I am emotionally drained …drained …and so much more and he just feeds on it trying to be nice…
A steps in on time just when he started on his sadness with life and everything more..
We go on a shopping spree and I guess it irritates the Guy…he leaves saying…
“I feel like a jerk with you guys…I should leave”…how weird is that now !
He leaves and I leave with A to meet M at the Mall...I go on and on about my irritation with The Guy..and A listens with a patient ear …just when my mobile buzzes with a message…
The Guy> “ sorry if I got IN your nerves…just want you to know that I have same respect I had for you..I’ll never meet you again. Whenever you feel like talking I will. Have an enjoyable life. God Bless.”
Huh!...WTF…I meet him and this is what I get …
He speaks as if he has some claim over my life …pisshead…calling me selfish and mean wasn’t enough and now make me guilty…for nothing .. I call him and he doesn’t pick…and he calls back ..missed call…I call him and he picks up the call and talks…and I ask him ..” why would you message me like that”
“I just wanted to thank you”
“That wasn’t a thank you”
“Why..a”
“I dunno ..Bye”
I get a message from MessageMan…”why did you hung up on me”
My reply “I did say bye. Don’t worry I am very happy in life. Will talk later. Take care”
That was after much consulting from A that I wrote back.
We meet M….He is pretty happy with the outcome…didn’t like The guy one bit…We hang out and D joins us later….M leaves…
We go to A’s place and then leave for TC…just as I enter I bang my head to the door…still hurts….party and dance …and at around one in the night we are out…
While everyone is ready to leave in the first car Me and A wait for D and N…they had gone to a distance to pee…
Three men on 2 bikes …pass comments … Ad(N's cousin) who was sitting in the car comes out and asks us to get it…still random comments come.. N and D come and the first car leaves while me and A leave with D…The people on the bike follow…D starts getting angry and reacts…Me and A are clenched to him and drag him toward the car. . . he puts us in the car and locks us while he argues with the random guys…they want a fight…some other people stop D ..and then D calls N and Ba to join …we leave…men follow on the bike…D drives speedily and we lose them …
N and Ba leave in the first car and …and D me and A are on our way back…we stop to buy water …Me and A still in car …we hear noises…and someone pushing a lady onto our car…. We see a young guy …college going/working…a young girl in shorts and a gangi…and the boy yelling…You cheated on our mom with KK…The Sardarji in the car fights and abandons them on the road…its around 1:30 am…They walk to find an auto…
D comes back and Me and A are in a state of shock about what we saw and heard…but we don’t discuss as D is still angry from the first incident…I call M and he is supposed to join us at A’s place… We are driving toward the house and it starts raining…..another car follows and we lose them again… A asks D if we could pick M as he doesn’t know the way…D turns the car… and guess whats next…we have a flat tyre..
D fixes the tyre while me and A listen to songs….D is all drenched in rain…
“ like in the movie jab we met…I don’t want anymore adventure for the night”
We drive and M joins us on his GADDI….and we reach home at last…We play ‘ The Game of LIFE’ for another hour and go off to sleep…
What a Life! The game of life!
The day when everything went wrong..but the end was still nice..M…I love you :)
Saturday dear Saturday came….I was sleeping away to M (heard Glory is no lesbian…My bad luck!)… My mobile rang…I saw the name on my cell phone…it was him…The Guy …I met at my cousin’s place after my his (cousin’s) wedding… befriended him and kept in touch …met again and then again yesterday…things had altered their ways again…He is one depressive guy I tell you…I keep laughing on the phone and he ends up messaging me “Are you ok? You don’t sound fine. Is everything good at your end?”.That’s for the description…so yeah!...I ask me to inform me when he is free..I was fine with meeting him alone at CP but still dunno what hit me, I called up A and asked her to join me at CP coz the last time he met he was being a little cheezy for my liking ... I end up meeting him at CP…we start talking and he is all frustrated at something I don’t understand….
“Thank you” he says…
“Thank you for taking out time for me”….He said it as if I had done some crime delaying the meet….”
“Last time it was different…I was relatively free and you were staying near my house…so could meet…I wasn’t even working then…”
He is still pissed…takes the conversation forward to rewind on my life though I deny stating anything about the past mess-ups in my life. Strange guy but is persuasive. Bonding over sad things...so negative….
I am emotionally drained …drained …and so much more and he just feeds on it trying to be nice…
A steps in on time just when he started on his sadness with life and everything more..
We go on a shopping spree and I guess it irritates the Guy…he leaves saying…
“I feel like a jerk with you guys…I should leave”…how weird is that now !
He leaves and I leave with A to meet M at the Mall...I go on and on about my irritation with The Guy..and A listens with a patient ear …just when my mobile buzzes with a message…
The Guy> “ sorry if I got IN your nerves…just want you to know that I have same respect I had for you..I’ll never meet you again. Whenever you feel like talking I will. Have an enjoyable life. God Bless.”
Huh!...WTF…I meet him and this is what I get …
He speaks as if he has some claim over my life …pisshead…calling me selfish and mean wasn’t enough and now make me guilty…for nothing .. I call him and he doesn’t pick…and he calls back ..missed call…I call him and he picks up the call and talks…and I ask him ..” why would you message me like that”
“I just wanted to thank you”
“That wasn’t a thank you”
“Why..a”
“I dunno ..Bye”
I get a message from MessageMan…”why did you hung up on me”
My reply “I did say bye. Don’t worry I am very happy in life. Will talk later. Take care”
That was after much consulting from A that I wrote back.
We meet M….He is pretty happy with the outcome…didn’t like The guy one bit…We hang out and D joins us later….M leaves…
We go to A’s place and then leave for TC…just as I enter I bang my head to the door…still hurts….party and dance …and at around one in the night we are out…
While everyone is ready to leave in the first car Me and A wait for D and N…they had gone to a distance to pee…
Three men on 2 bikes …pass comments … Ad(N's cousin) who was sitting in the car comes out and asks us to get it…still random comments come.. N and D come and the first car leaves while me and A leave with D…The people on the bike follow…D starts getting angry and reacts…Me and A are clenched to him and drag him toward the car. . . he puts us in the car and locks us while he argues with the random guys…they want a fight…some other people stop D ..and then D calls N and Ba to join …we leave…men follow on the bike…D drives speedily and we lose them …
N and Ba leave in the first car and …and D me and A are on our way back…we stop to buy water …Me and A still in car …we hear noises…and someone pushing a lady onto our car…. We see a young guy …college going/working…a young girl in shorts and a gangi…and the boy yelling…You cheated on our mom with KK…The Sardarji in the car fights and abandons them on the road…its around 1:30 am…They walk to find an auto…
D comes back and Me and A are in a state of shock about what we saw and heard…but we don’t discuss as D is still angry from the first incident…I call M and he is supposed to join us at A’s place… We are driving toward the house and it starts raining…..another car follows and we lose them again… A asks D if we could pick M as he doesn’t know the way…D turns the car… and guess whats next…we have a flat tyre..
D fixes the tyre while me and A listen to songs….D is all drenched in rain…
“ like in the movie jab we met…I don’t want anymore adventure for the night”
We drive and M joins us on his GADDI….and we reach home at last…We play ‘ The Game of LIFE’ for another hour and go off to sleep…
What a Life! The game of life!
The day when everything went wrong..but the end was still nice..M…I love you :)
September 14th 2008...One freaky night!
I am seldom Sad and only the divine knows why. Its just my nature to be happy. I am a happy person. But**drumrolls** I do have days when I feel low but am not so expressive about it. Its been years now. Most of my emotions lie dormant since I have been so controlling of them. Anger is one of them. I seldom express it the way it fills up the void within me. Usually I restrain from being verbally articulate.
A was already two shots down from her Boss's party and talking...yap yap yap yap. We reach the farmhouse after and hour and a half hours drive. "Happy Birthday" and we get introduced to N and D's friends. We meet this guy who apparently had a drunk debate with A some time back and remembered it. He had called R a Dog and A had raised her voice against that. Well, got to know he was some Don ...Gunda and all. Can straight away slit someone dead. Why wasn't I scared.
He is drunk and starts hitting on A. I am standing there like her security. A almost about to fall is standing at the edge of the dance floor while Mr. Don is cheek to cheek with her. saying things into her ear. She is offended though two more shots down and tries hard to maintain distance. Mr. Don is too persuasive for that. He comes on to me and is giving me continuous pecks on my cheek though I resist. Disgusted I fall aback. All I hear is "help me hook up with your friend". I was like WTF... do I look like some Pimp. I felt Abused. ....Why did I have to come here....Weird guy....Damn!
Don asks A ..." why dont you and you friend sandwich me and dance"
WTF
A yells" You would have girls falling all over you for your richness but not Me"
**Don leaves angrily**
**D is pissed at this but we stop him not to go fight**
Dcomes with Vodka shots. Fuck the resolution. Peeyo Behenchod. I gulp it down.
By the poolside....
A is Drunk and onto her stubbornness...I don't know what D said that made her compare him with S....the next I see is, she is arguing and in the pool all drenched. D is much the same.
We leave them alone for a while three of us( N Me and Ne) are all drunk and high....sit by the pool side. I am all the more irritated by A and her stupid fights. D gives me the wet wallet...cellphone.. and the pack of wet cigarettes. ....N goes WTF....He needed a cigarette.
A friend of his comes....
"kya pee raha hai"
"yeh teri matlab wali nahi hai"
For a moment I thought it was dope lingo...but it escaped thanks to drunk me....the friend goes away and N's smoking by the stairs now where D and A are arguing. A is being loud and irritable. . . I am pissed...N goes and comes with a cigarette....I take the cigarette from him and take three drags without realizing there is hash in it. . . I am High ...what do u know but in my senses still. . . Thanks to A...Ne tried hard to convince her that there was no reason she should be acting like that but its A....come on...she says things when Drunk ...who knows better than me.... Mind fucked....
I am forgetting the equation and sequence of events here...
** We are dancing**
**Ne Passes out**
**D comes with a bruised chin and blood in his hands and on his shirt**
**A flirts with the DJ**
**N and Me take care of Ne**
**D is bruised but still drinking like crazy**
** I am another shot down**
**A is missing**
**I find her sharing her meal with the Don**
**I drag both of them to Ne**
**Don ji leaves**
**A is least bothered about her friend and wants to be left alone and dancing and flirting with the DJ**
**I tempt her with playing football with an empty plastic bottle with me**
**We have fun for a while**
**Try to make Ne Puke while Me and A are done Puking**
**I see D's wound and yell at him that it needs stitches and make him sit quietly**
**2 hours have passed and Ne is still dead and cold**
** All of us have fallen at least once**
**I smoke a cigarette with A**
Atlast N feels fine enough to Drive back and Don ji asks for a list. WTF...not him... He anyway joins us...D is still bleeding ...Ne is resting on my left shoulder in the car while D and A are busy talking in the back seat.
Mr. Don is almost dead and doped and sits in the front with N on the drivers seat.
From here onwards "Bakchodi starts"....I am pissed ...retarded ...upset...the day has been some trip...and on top of that Don claiming on words like Madarchod. Arguement begins while I thought Don needs a helping hand and ask him rest on his seat than the drivers seat. Thought he was doped and dead but horny enough to try moves on my hand.
I hear "Madarchod"
" Abe tereko koi boley to kya karega"
"madarchod ko kaat dalunga"
"aisey thodi na bahenchod"
"to kya karun bata"
"chutiye gaali ka jawaab gaali se de na"
"aur harami madarchod saley ye haath pe kya kar raha hai. The more you do it the more I would remember my boyfriend"
Don leaves my hand and and tries touching my face but cant. I am like WTF. More abuses and then.
"I would take that as a complement"
" naam kya hai tera"...first he says S and then corects it to ...i forgot again...errr.."Rt"
I am again on galis and the next statement is uttered when A starts arguing with him too as he almost asks me for a one night stand
"tum jaisey chutiye bandon se milkey mujhey apni aukaad pata chalti hai"
He moves his hand to my exposed calf and i am like WTF....
"Chutiye behenchod sale madarchod...haath hata...ye sab kisi aur ke saath karna ...mujhey kuch nai hota"
"teach me" comes the reply.
I hold his hand yet again as he is all touchy touchy on A and Me.
"Ye kiska haath hai"
"Mera haath hai chutiye"
He leaves my hand and turns around and argues with N and D to join us at the back. N shrieks"gaadi chalaney do mujhey" while I am still on abuses. I asked the Don a few personal questions if he is ever been in love and all. He goes a little weak on the knees. **googly Woogly Wush to the Don**
"Remember my face" comes my reply when I see him staring at me.
He asks me out for the night. A rages up and argues. I argue too. A asks him if he can ever be serious an act mature and take care of the situation. He is serious and asks to take D to a nursery to get stitches. N yells " I am taking him to R.
We reach the rich Don's ghar. He doesnt get down though I had asked him to "go to his alishaan ghar and screw his bed" . N drops us. I shake hands and bid my byes. Rt holds my hand and asks me to stay. I reply " Dude, I have a Boyfriend and I dont sleep around with drunk men. Talk to me when sober if you care to remember." He follows and asks if he can stay over.
"I am a good guy"
"Koi nahi ...main bahut harami ladki hun...Byeee"
"Please, there is no chance that I can stay over?"
"With four femmes...ofcourse not and I dont screw drunk men...talk to me when sober"
"I only talk profits ...aur paisey kamaney ke tareekey...when sober"
"Good for you..Bye"
I utter the digits of my mobile number thinking the doped Don wouldn't remember. I am relieved that he is gone. Me and A change and within 5 minutes comes a call.
Rt is on the call.
" I promise I will pick you and drop you safely..I just want to talk"
"I know what talking means"
"Trust me..no hanky panky...no make outs..no kisses"
"Trust...why should I ...We've just met"
"I just want to talk"
"Aren't we on the phone?"
"I want to spend quality time with you"
"We are spending quality time on the phone"
"So I don't have a chance?"
"Call me when Sober"
"This is my number. You may if you wish to."
"Sure. Good night"
Me and A talk to N while D is getting his stitches done and go off to sleep.
In the afternoon Ne gets up and me and A scare her with a made up story about she making out with the Don when drunk. In the evening N and D come. D has his chin stitched and dressed with band aids. N tells me I smoked hash. I am surprised at myself. WTF.
"Bus yehi bacha tha"
"Wasn't much...just 3 drags...you wouldn't have felt much"
"Huh!"
"Tumhara dost Rt...he called"
**I describe the conversation**
"Vaisey kisi ki himmat nahi ki ussey gaaliyan de. Tu pehli bandi hogi jisney usko itti gaaliyan di."
"He completely deserved it"
"Bura banda nahi hai...bus tharki hai"
"yeah ..Right"
I regretted agreeing to go out with A that moment. Didn't say anything. I haven't abused anyone so honestly and blatantly ever. Felt good though it might have put me in trouble.
**Delhi continuous blasts**
**We wait for things to get settled and I reach back home**
**Still not over the previous night**
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........
A was already two shots down from her Boss's party and talking...yap yap yap yap. We reach the farmhouse after and hour and a half hours drive. "Happy Birthday" and we get introduced to N and D's friends. We meet this guy who apparently had a drunk debate with A some time back and remembered it. He had called R a Dog and A had raised her voice against that. Well, got to know he was some Don ...Gunda and all. Can straight away slit someone dead. Why wasn't I scared.
He is drunk and starts hitting on A. I am standing there like her security. A almost about to fall is standing at the edge of the dance floor while Mr. Don is cheek to cheek with her. saying things into her ear. She is offended though two more shots down and tries hard to maintain distance. Mr. Don is too persuasive for that. He comes on to me and is giving me continuous pecks on my cheek though I resist. Disgusted I fall aback. All I hear is "help me hook up with your friend". I was like WTF... do I look like some Pimp. I felt Abused. ....Why did I have to come here....Weird guy....Damn!
Don asks A ..." why dont you and you friend sandwich me and dance"
WTF
A yells" You would have girls falling all over you for your richness but not Me"
**Don leaves angrily**
**D is pissed at this but we stop him not to go fight**
Dcomes with Vodka shots. Fuck the resolution. Peeyo Behenchod. I gulp it down.
By the poolside....
A is Drunk and onto her stubbornness...I don't know what D said that made her compare him with S....the next I see is, she is arguing and in the pool all drenched. D is much the same.
We leave them alone for a while three of us( N Me and Ne) are all drunk and high....sit by the pool side. I am all the more irritated by A and her stupid fights. D gives me the wet wallet...cellphone.. and the pack of wet cigarettes. ....N goes WTF....He needed a cigarette.
A friend of his comes....
"kya pee raha hai"
"yeh teri matlab wali nahi hai"
For a moment I thought it was dope lingo...but it escaped thanks to drunk me....the friend goes away and N's smoking by the stairs now where D and A are arguing. A is being loud and irritable. . . I am pissed...N goes and comes with a cigarette....I take the cigarette from him and take three drags without realizing there is hash in it. . . I am High ...what do u know but in my senses still. . . Thanks to A...Ne tried hard to convince her that there was no reason she should be acting like that but its A....come on...she says things when Drunk ...who knows better than me.... Mind fucked....
I am forgetting the equation and sequence of events here...
** We are dancing**
**Ne Passes out**
**D comes with a bruised chin and blood in his hands and on his shirt**
**A flirts with the DJ**
**N and Me take care of Ne**
**D is bruised but still drinking like crazy**
** I am another shot down**
**A is missing**
**I find her sharing her meal with the Don**
**I drag both of them to Ne**
**Don ji leaves**
**A is least bothered about her friend and wants to be left alone and dancing and flirting with the DJ**
**I tempt her with playing football with an empty plastic bottle with me**
**We have fun for a while**
**Try to make Ne Puke while Me and A are done Puking**
**I see D's wound and yell at him that it needs stitches and make him sit quietly**
**2 hours have passed and Ne is still dead and cold**
** All of us have fallen at least once**
**I smoke a cigarette with A**
Atlast N feels fine enough to Drive back and Don ji asks for a list. WTF...not him... He anyway joins us...D is still bleeding ...Ne is resting on my left shoulder in the car while D and A are busy talking in the back seat.
Mr. Don is almost dead and doped and sits in the front with N on the drivers seat.
From here onwards "Bakchodi starts"....I am pissed ...retarded ...upset...the day has been some trip...and on top of that Don claiming on words like Madarchod. Arguement begins while I thought Don needs a helping hand and ask him rest on his seat than the drivers seat. Thought he was doped and dead but horny enough to try moves on my hand.
I hear "Madarchod"
" Abe tereko koi boley to kya karega"
"madarchod ko kaat dalunga"
"aisey thodi na bahenchod"
"to kya karun bata"
"chutiye gaali ka jawaab gaali se de na"
"aur harami madarchod saley ye haath pe kya kar raha hai. The more you do it the more I would remember my boyfriend"
Don leaves my hand and and tries touching my face but cant. I am like WTF. More abuses and then.
"I would take that as a complement"
" naam kya hai tera"...first he says S and then corects it to ...i forgot again...errr.."Rt"
I am again on galis and the next statement is uttered when A starts arguing with him too as he almost asks me for a one night stand
"tum jaisey chutiye bandon se milkey mujhey apni aukaad pata chalti hai"
He moves his hand to my exposed calf and i am like WTF....
"Chutiye behenchod sale madarchod...haath hata...ye sab kisi aur ke saath karna ...mujhey kuch nai hota"
"teach me" comes the reply.
I hold his hand yet again as he is all touchy touchy on A and Me.
"Ye kiska haath hai"
"Mera haath hai chutiye"
He leaves my hand and turns around and argues with N and D to join us at the back. N shrieks"gaadi chalaney do mujhey" while I am still on abuses. I asked the Don a few personal questions if he is ever been in love and all. He goes a little weak on the knees. **googly Woogly Wush to the Don**
"Remember my face" comes my reply when I see him staring at me.
He asks me out for the night. A rages up and argues. I argue too. A asks him if he can ever be serious an act mature and take care of the situation. He is serious and asks to take D to a nursery to get stitches. N yells " I am taking him to R.
We reach the rich Don's ghar. He doesnt get down though I had asked him to "go to his alishaan ghar and screw his bed" . N drops us. I shake hands and bid my byes. Rt holds my hand and asks me to stay. I reply " Dude, I have a Boyfriend and I dont sleep around with drunk men. Talk to me when sober if you care to remember." He follows and asks if he can stay over.
"I am a good guy"
"Koi nahi ...main bahut harami ladki hun...Byeee"
"Please, there is no chance that I can stay over?"
"With four femmes...ofcourse not and I dont screw drunk men...talk to me when sober"
"I only talk profits ...aur paisey kamaney ke tareekey...when sober"
"Good for you..Bye"
I utter the digits of my mobile number thinking the doped Don wouldn't remember. I am relieved that he is gone. Me and A change and within 5 minutes comes a call.
Rt is on the call.
" I promise I will pick you and drop you safely..I just want to talk"
"I know what talking means"
"Trust me..no hanky panky...no make outs..no kisses"
"Trust...why should I ...We've just met"
"I just want to talk"
"Aren't we on the phone?"
"I want to spend quality time with you"
"We are spending quality time on the phone"
"So I don't have a chance?"
"Call me when Sober"
"This is my number. You may if you wish to."
"Sure. Good night"
Me and A talk to N while D is getting his stitches done and go off to sleep.
In the afternoon Ne gets up and me and A scare her with a made up story about she making out with the Don when drunk. In the evening N and D come. D has his chin stitched and dressed with band aids. N tells me I smoked hash. I am surprised at myself. WTF.
"Bus yehi bacha tha"
"Wasn't much...just 3 drags...you wouldn't have felt much"
"Huh!"
"Tumhara dost Rt...he called"
**I describe the conversation**
"Vaisey kisi ki himmat nahi ki ussey gaaliyan de. Tu pehli bandi hogi jisney usko itti gaaliyan di."
"He completely deserved it"
"Bura banda nahi hai...bus tharki hai"
"yeah ..Right"
I regretted agreeing to go out with A that moment. Didn't say anything. I haven't abused anyone so honestly and blatantly ever. Felt good though it might have put me in trouble.
**Delhi continuous blasts**
**We wait for things to get settled and I reach back home**
**Still not over the previous night**
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..........
Weird Again!
Never been content in life…have strange thoughts …scary thoughts … living in a world I am don't want to… living for people who just make me sad… there is just one thing I ask for in life… happiness and god … I am growing into someone I don't want to be … I was never so …submissive , coy… giving…something has taken away the roots of my being…I don't even remember what being stubborn means…I don't know what my moods are…I am not myself…. Since when did I become so giving… since when did I change moods for others…since when did I become so undignified and weak …to give into these worldly demands …. Happiness is far from reach…I chase something that I don't know of… I am someone I don't know of….
This is how life has been for me past several months… and this is not what I wanted life to be like…. I never was compromising…now I compromise on my dignity …self respect…. These are characteristics that have failed to exist within me… I have become someone I hate the most… I have become someone who doesn't have a reason to exist…existence itself is futile…
Often get drawn to people who seem ideal, unique in their perspective…. but commitment to my sad being keeps me away from life…. Bounds that hold me so strong are not easy to get rid of…
This is the second time in life , that I ask you to be human enough to be able to shoulder my weeping thoughts…. And tell me what to do in life.... should I or should I not accept changes…. Should I stay committed or should I move on…. Since a little happiness is just bound to trigger my sad thoughts…I can no more be truly happy… I see a chance if I break through …. But I am afraid to take this chance…. I would seem selfish if I do…. I don't know what to do …. I see the rainbow far above …. I am afraid that even if I reach the skies I may just ruin it….
This is the time in life when happiness itself has caused me enough pain. Life has questioned me once again. Where do I stand? In the arms of sadness personified to make up for my past follies or move forward to embrace the unknown change. Life has scared me enough… and now this haunts me.
I know that all things that I am writing seem unclear… but it makes perfect sense to my being. In tears now and always…can I be truly happy? Do I have to be like this? Am I acceptable to anyone even now?
Unanswered questions is all I have always got from life…..
This is how life has been for me past several months… and this is not what I wanted life to be like…. I never was compromising…now I compromise on my dignity …self respect…. These are characteristics that have failed to exist within me… I have become someone I hate the most… I have become someone who doesn't have a reason to exist…existence itself is futile…
Often get drawn to people who seem ideal, unique in their perspective…. but commitment to my sad being keeps me away from life…. Bounds that hold me so strong are not easy to get rid of…
This is the second time in life , that I ask you to be human enough to be able to shoulder my weeping thoughts…. And tell me what to do in life.... should I or should I not accept changes…. Should I stay committed or should I move on…. Since a little happiness is just bound to trigger my sad thoughts…I can no more be truly happy… I see a chance if I break through …. But I am afraid to take this chance…. I would seem selfish if I do…. I don't know what to do …. I see the rainbow far above …. I am afraid that even if I reach the skies I may just ruin it….
This is the time in life when happiness itself has caused me enough pain. Life has questioned me once again. Where do I stand? In the arms of sadness personified to make up for my past follies or move forward to embrace the unknown change. Life has scared me enough… and now this haunts me.
I know that all things that I am writing seem unclear… but it makes perfect sense to my being. In tears now and always…can I be truly happy? Do I have to be like this? Am I acceptable to anyone even now?
Unanswered questions is all I have always got from life…..
Losing Him Then
“I smell of you…. Your scent is still fresh on my body …I feel absurd… your persuasiveness makes it impossible to deny you your happiness”… i try hard to seek pleasure out of what makes him feel happy…but its harder than I thought… denying my love for him isn’t easy…deny being used is hard but I somehow still ponder upon and manage…still gave into what he wished for.. … I feel hollow…I feel consumed by this love for him but yet it does not bother him…. He is always unmoved by my affectionate touches… I so wish that it was not out of his unchaste desires but his wishful love for me …but hoping against hope is as if I am trying to live with a figment of my imagination…. “ I cant marry you… I cant be in a relationship“ …he says… does that mean I scare him?.... I have never asked him for a relationship with me…does he still think I want to …. He answers all my unasked questions…. Is there anything like the “right guy”… I am scared …confused…shaken… destroyed…. I am sad … am I in love… have I forgotten my past….i feel like the “eighteen year old me” questioning if distance matters when you really love someone…does being physical with someone make a relationship stronger…. I have been proved wrong…. My love doesn’t really matter when someone just wants physical gratification out of me… he can always escape by saying “ I cant marry you”…and I will stand there confused and stupefied yet again….
…I cant even hug him when others are around…expecting a relationship is something I am least upto…. He might feel embarrassed being associated with me …. … I am weird… “still be friends”… I don’t know if I can take that … a friend who shall never go out for a movie or a walk with this friend… a secret friend…huh… devastated …. I am by my own thoughts and actions…
Losing him has begun… I shall not remember him the way I wanted to…It is going to get nasty… I am a plaything to him… he has no emotions for me…and I still let him take me…. He is not interested what makes my being…he just wants to find out how good in bed can he be…at times I feel he is a kid trying to experiment ….and using me as an apparatus …yes I am supposed to have no emotions… cant stop them…can I ? he is using my love for him to the utmost… he thinks he is gaining a score … and me… I am losing everything… submissive again… I am an “easy fuck”… soon I will be talked about among his friends as if I am the roadside slut… so why am I even doing this to myself… retard… he makes out with me and the next instant he detaches himself from any indulgent emotion by letting me know that his mom is to get him married elsewhere…so indirectly he wishes to tell me “ that I am just his fuck buddy”…. Man…I have a title now …an elite one indeed… sarcasm isn’t enough to smirk at my condition… my head feels so heavy…my heart choked..and yet I cant cry …. I am SAD…despair… and the only people who can make me happy are the ones feeding on my emotions and feelings…feeding on the little happiness that’s left inside me… for then… they will snatch away every single emotion of mine… already lifeless…dead to be soon… I am losing it… I shall die… I don’t have the right to ask ..question or argue ..i am being considered inanimate…so what is the use living … there is no light ray at the end of the tunnel …and there is no one for me… I will be lonely throughout my life… if I wish to live…
I wouldn’t spoil it for him… I will be of good USE …I will never tell him what I feel …he would never understand… “there is nothing to be scared”….how do I tell him this…. He is too young and immature to be asked for a commitment….he is too young to get married… its not his fault… I shall endure this too… my love is unconditional for him…I will silently walk away from his life without causing any melodrama … I will keep things simple for him by being this lifeless being he expects me to be… I shall love more but the key to my expression lies in his hands which wouldn’t ever open to hug me out of love… I am damned but at least his life will be blissful… I don’t know what I am stepping into…but its already started…the gyres are moving ….and I am trapped… waiting to be thrown in hell…
I am jinxed… there is no one for me now...yet i strongly feel attracted to him..he puts a smile on my sad face for reasons unknown… terrified …. I want to die ….. I wish to die…sooner than this past instant … I am so lonely… I am suicidal… help me …I am losing you….
I am not going to talk to him from now …he hurts me …ignores me … is rude to me… insensitive to whatever I say…. Now that he has had his way out from me ..he acts so shallow… he makes me feel sorry for something I never wanted to be a part of ….I guess I shall eventually turn into this being that I am not..
He cries for someone whom he cant have ... I have cried enough for people I have been with and lost … I shall not even think about crying for a guy like him … yes, I was used … now no more… I am committed to my sins now… I will make my life perfect without anyone being a part of it…save my emotions forever…
The kiss, the hug, the make outs… forget everything and more… god curse me to be inhuman … have never been a part of this universe… sadomasochistic… hate mankind and be a sadist … take pleasure in others miseries… I will be happy being so…
… I might commit suicide in the days to come… but I wont leave you now…because now I wouldn’t wait to hear you say “I found you” …because for the last time I say “I found you”….i love you ...be mine and spend life with me…now and always… bless me with your love…
…I cant even hug him when others are around…expecting a relationship is something I am least upto…. He might feel embarrassed being associated with me …. … I am weird… “still be friends”… I don’t know if I can take that … a friend who shall never go out for a movie or a walk with this friend… a secret friend…huh… devastated …. I am by my own thoughts and actions…
Losing him has begun… I shall not remember him the way I wanted to…It is going to get nasty… I am a plaything to him… he has no emotions for me…and I still let him take me…. He is not interested what makes my being…he just wants to find out how good in bed can he be…at times I feel he is a kid trying to experiment ….and using me as an apparatus …yes I am supposed to have no emotions… cant stop them…can I ? he is using my love for him to the utmost… he thinks he is gaining a score … and me… I am losing everything… submissive again… I am an “easy fuck”… soon I will be talked about among his friends as if I am the roadside slut… so why am I even doing this to myself… retard… he makes out with me and the next instant he detaches himself from any indulgent emotion by letting me know that his mom is to get him married elsewhere…so indirectly he wishes to tell me “ that I am just his fuck buddy”…. Man…I have a title now …an elite one indeed… sarcasm isn’t enough to smirk at my condition… my head feels so heavy…my heart choked..and yet I cant cry …. I am SAD…despair… and the only people who can make me happy are the ones feeding on my emotions and feelings…feeding on the little happiness that’s left inside me… for then… they will snatch away every single emotion of mine… already lifeless…dead to be soon… I am losing it… I shall die… I don’t have the right to ask ..question or argue ..i am being considered inanimate…so what is the use living … there is no light ray at the end of the tunnel …and there is no one for me… I will be lonely throughout my life… if I wish to live…
I wouldn’t spoil it for him… I will be of good USE …I will never tell him what I feel …he would never understand… “there is nothing to be scared”….how do I tell him this…. He is too young and immature to be asked for a commitment….he is too young to get married… its not his fault… I shall endure this too… my love is unconditional for him…I will silently walk away from his life without causing any melodrama … I will keep things simple for him by being this lifeless being he expects me to be… I shall love more but the key to my expression lies in his hands which wouldn’t ever open to hug me out of love… I am damned but at least his life will be blissful… I don’t know what I am stepping into…but its already started…the gyres are moving ….and I am trapped… waiting to be thrown in hell…
I am jinxed… there is no one for me now...yet i strongly feel attracted to him..he puts a smile on my sad face for reasons unknown… terrified …. I want to die ….. I wish to die…sooner than this past instant … I am so lonely… I am suicidal… help me …I am losing you….
I am not going to talk to him from now …he hurts me …ignores me … is rude to me… insensitive to whatever I say…. Now that he has had his way out from me ..he acts so shallow… he makes me feel sorry for something I never wanted to be a part of ….I guess I shall eventually turn into this being that I am not..
He cries for someone whom he cant have ... I have cried enough for people I have been with and lost … I shall not even think about crying for a guy like him … yes, I was used … now no more… I am committed to my sins now… I will make my life perfect without anyone being a part of it…save my emotions forever…
The kiss, the hug, the make outs… forget everything and more… god curse me to be inhuman … have never been a part of this universe… sadomasochistic… hate mankind and be a sadist … take pleasure in others miseries… I will be happy being so…
… I might commit suicide in the days to come… but I wont leave you now…because now I wouldn’t wait to hear you say “I found you” …because for the last time I say “I found you”….i love you ...be mine and spend life with me…now and always… bless me with your love…
In Tears - Once Upon a Time
Disowned by my own thoughts… ghastly looks at me from a dark corner somewhere….visions blind me…making me insane…prolonged thinking has made me numb…. I feel devastated… the instability inside and out has confused my thoughts … I have started to believe in my own lies…. I am a blessed curse….whatever I touch …I desire to lose the same after a while…. I so wish that my life swayed on wings of phoenix… I could live and die and be reborn likewise…I am in a situation where I am curious ...but wouldn’t ask... wish to ...but wouldn’t say... hesitant but sure ....is it what i am thinking... fallen ...yet again ... ask me ...but have no answers ... wish to be “the forgotten” once more happily.. but fear the loss of identity…I am so confused… I want to believe …but have lost trust in myself …. I am lost in the wilderness and have no one to guide me…I walk alone… I am heart broken… sad… repentance and regret is the state of my thoughts… I wish this life would end right here… I feel as if I have seen enough… I want to feel …touch again…but reluctance is what haunts my senses… I don’t know where to go from here...
touch me …feel me…fill me up with your love and compassion…. Ravish me…. my divine spirit…strip me off of my coldness…. Awaken for once and make me happy…truly happy… tell me “I found you”…. I am burdened by this animosity towards oneself…I feel worthless …. I am falling apart… I want to run away…or maybe follow the wildest of my thoughts….i know it wouldn’t be morally correct ….but I am so urged to…lured towards ….i feel a strong attraction towards these unchaste thoughts and a weak association with them…. Help me …awaken again and strengthen my soul…. Distract my shaken thoughts elsewhere…otherwise i would stop existing to you or anyone …and you will be lost…. I don’t wish to lose you …
My unblemished desires are threatening to become my wants …I am scared … wants shouldn’t become my needs… decision is made…I am alone…I shall not allow anyone into my shell… laughter itself poisons my heart to ache with misery…. Every single smile on mine and others faces reminds me of how lonely and sad I am…. I don’t have anyone anymore who would try and understand me …I am such a LOSER… lost all that was old and I am so afraid to build anew… instability is what others seek out of me while I am looking for something stable which defines my unknown existence… its my own doing… every single folly is to be blamed onto me… seeking to be perfectly nice has ruined my living… my being is marked by submissiveness… remorse and regret …regret for whatever I have done against my wishes to make others happy….people have come and gone in my life…have always given them what they wished for from me…. Overlooking that every single act of mine to make others happy has rendered my spirit hollow…. Yes hollow is the word that defines me…. I have become a lifeless person with a plastic smile stuck onto her face and humor injected in her bloodstream, just to make others comfortable around the being I have become… I am alien to the world when I am in my true being…people deny to recognize me…. So I guess this is what I have become… a hypocrite …double faced …stupid loser… who cannot take out her fury on anyone or anything in the world…and who must and will drown in her solitude….i have stopped living for myself and trying hard to exist among all others around me…. My spectrum of life is diminishing….
…take me … make love to me … and let me rest my face on your lap……hug me tight and let me listen to your soft rhythmic breath...make me feel you need me more than I need you… that I belong ..i belong here with you… don’t go …don’t go… tears yet again…..
Weird… absurd … yet honest …. That’s me …. Honesty has taken me to a forlorn undesired place… my turbulent thoughts and fickle senses have rendered my spirit to its rakish desires… what have I become???… there is just no one who can define me… I feel I am lost in the wilderness of something called life…. These labyrinths have entangled my notions …I am stupefied …struck by a lightening bolt …I stand unguarded for yet another to strike me and est my spirit…I guess only then would i find a sense of adventure to calm my flinching senses …. , I feel damned… reaching out to something becomes an overreaching thought…. Material gains have also stopped satisfying my pampered self… I am tired of pampering myself..it doesn’t make me happy anymore…gives me a realization that I lack so much … fill in the emptiness inside me before it fills me in it…grasps me and sucks me inside it like a black hollow conical hurricane… shreds me into infinitesimal particles of matter that will be lost in the universe…. I feel like a zombie…. Just that life is feeding on me….grave thoughts enter my mind….
… I go out on long walks…I keep walking till my feet get tired… my lungs troubled…but gain nothing but insaneness…it just gets worse… chronic illness…call it psychological…. Is what I have earned living like this…. I wait for someone who doesn’t exist …. My wait is eternal… I know that this someone wouldn’t come …there is no savior in real life… no one can get me out of these sad thoughts …this is my doing and I have to make it well… I am being irrational and unrealistic by putting the task on some figment of my imagination… , I also know that I really want it bad…my life is hell right now… these hellish flames are burning and destroying life in and around me… I need a savior… I have become a vagabond looking for this illusionary being in others… I so want to let go of my past and live my present… but my past actions that have blemished my physical being will never let me come in terms of my present…and I know I can never find someone who would take me as I am now… tarnished for life….
I know I don’t want to look back but it is the only option that I have left for myself…. I know I have become strong enough to let go…but am I strong enough to come in terms with what I have become??… a forlorn creature …. Whose existence doesn’t make a difference to anyone …suicidal yet again…but afraid to live a paralysed life…insane…. I should just die ….but then….
I know I shouldn’t expect anything… and when I do, I blame my reflexes… I know I don’t have the right to but I still try …. I know “the end” will only make the situation worse … its not rejection what I fear …its refusal … I can never feel complete again… the right to expect has been snatched away from me… my being scares me and it scares life around me… still existing ….i am such a fucked up retard…damned …I am … for life and eternity….
the only thing that keeps me moving is my unconditional love for others… coz I can only love …and not be loved… when it consumes me I shall be completely lost …. I wish I could give away everything that one seeks out of me …. But morality and shame keeps me away from consuming these blatant thoughts in action… ambiguity screams and benumbs my ears… my head pounds …. I so wish to give away myself for the love I feel for some … I don’t know what stops me … is it scarcity of opportunity or fear of the revelation… is it the loss of identity or is it the loss of my being… since I strongly know that once this love is consumed I shall be thrown out again…. I wouldn’t be able to show my face again and expectations will refuse to exist…. With this love consumed …I shall not only be lonely but a waste….hell shall consume me then… or maybe hell shall refuse to accept me too…. Tears …. I cover them with my laughter…I hide them behind verbal flirtations… I seek pleasure out of loving an instant that will be soon gone ….vanish in bright light….never to be found…. Snatched away from me like it was never to be mine… afraid to live…afraid to lose …afraid ….
, I am losing you …. My motives unguarded …. I am tired…. Tired…
touch me …feel me…fill me up with your love and compassion…. Ravish me…. my divine spirit…strip me off of my coldness…. Awaken for once and make me happy…truly happy… tell me “I found you”…. I am burdened by this animosity towards oneself…I feel worthless …. I am falling apart… I want to run away…or maybe follow the wildest of my thoughts….i know it wouldn’t be morally correct ….but I am so urged to…lured towards ….i feel a strong attraction towards these unchaste thoughts and a weak association with them…. Help me …awaken again and strengthen my soul…. Distract my shaken thoughts elsewhere…otherwise i would stop existing to you or anyone …and you will be lost…. I don’t wish to lose you …
My unblemished desires are threatening to become my wants …I am scared … wants shouldn’t become my needs… decision is made…I am alone…I shall not allow anyone into my shell… laughter itself poisons my heart to ache with misery…. Every single smile on mine and others faces reminds me of how lonely and sad I am…. I don’t have anyone anymore who would try and understand me …I am such a LOSER… lost all that was old and I am so afraid to build anew… instability is what others seek out of me while I am looking for something stable which defines my unknown existence… its my own doing… every single folly is to be blamed onto me… seeking to be perfectly nice has ruined my living… my being is marked by submissiveness… remorse and regret …regret for whatever I have done against my wishes to make others happy….people have come and gone in my life…have always given them what they wished for from me…. Overlooking that every single act of mine to make others happy has rendered my spirit hollow…. Yes hollow is the word that defines me…. I have become a lifeless person with a plastic smile stuck onto her face and humor injected in her bloodstream, just to make others comfortable around the being I have become… I am alien to the world when I am in my true being…people deny to recognize me…. So I guess this is what I have become… a hypocrite …double faced …stupid loser… who cannot take out her fury on anyone or anything in the world…and who must and will drown in her solitude….i have stopped living for myself and trying hard to exist among all others around me…. My spectrum of life is diminishing….
…take me … make love to me … and let me rest my face on your lap……hug me tight and let me listen to your soft rhythmic breath...make me feel you need me more than I need you… that I belong ..i belong here with you… don’t go …don’t go… tears yet again…..
Weird… absurd … yet honest …. That’s me …. Honesty has taken me to a forlorn undesired place… my turbulent thoughts and fickle senses have rendered my spirit to its rakish desires… what have I become???… there is just no one who can define me… I feel I am lost in the wilderness of something called life…. These labyrinths have entangled my notions …I am stupefied …struck by a lightening bolt …I stand unguarded for yet another to strike me and est my spirit…I guess only then would i find a sense of adventure to calm my flinching senses …. , I feel damned… reaching out to something becomes an overreaching thought…. Material gains have also stopped satisfying my pampered self… I am tired of pampering myself..it doesn’t make me happy anymore…gives me a realization that I lack so much … fill in the emptiness inside me before it fills me in it…grasps me and sucks me inside it like a black hollow conical hurricane… shreds me into infinitesimal particles of matter that will be lost in the universe…. I feel like a zombie…. Just that life is feeding on me….grave thoughts enter my mind….
… I go out on long walks…I keep walking till my feet get tired… my lungs troubled…but gain nothing but insaneness…it just gets worse… chronic illness…call it psychological…. Is what I have earned living like this…. I wait for someone who doesn’t exist …. My wait is eternal… I know that this someone wouldn’t come …there is no savior in real life… no one can get me out of these sad thoughts …this is my doing and I have to make it well… I am being irrational and unrealistic by putting the task on some figment of my imagination… , I also know that I really want it bad…my life is hell right now… these hellish flames are burning and destroying life in and around me… I need a savior… I have become a vagabond looking for this illusionary being in others… I so want to let go of my past and live my present… but my past actions that have blemished my physical being will never let me come in terms of my present…and I know I can never find someone who would take me as I am now… tarnished for life….
I know I don’t want to look back but it is the only option that I have left for myself…. I know I have become strong enough to let go…but am I strong enough to come in terms with what I have become??… a forlorn creature …. Whose existence doesn’t make a difference to anyone …suicidal yet again…but afraid to live a paralysed life…insane…. I should just die ….but then….
I know I shouldn’t expect anything… and when I do, I blame my reflexes… I know I don’t have the right to but I still try …. I know “the end” will only make the situation worse … its not rejection what I fear …its refusal … I can never feel complete again… the right to expect has been snatched away from me… my being scares me and it scares life around me… still existing ….i am such a fucked up retard…damned …I am … for life and eternity….
the only thing that keeps me moving is my unconditional love for others… coz I can only love …and not be loved… when it consumes me I shall be completely lost …. I wish I could give away everything that one seeks out of me …. But morality and shame keeps me away from consuming these blatant thoughts in action… ambiguity screams and benumbs my ears… my head pounds …. I so wish to give away myself for the love I feel for some … I don’t know what stops me … is it scarcity of opportunity or fear of the revelation… is it the loss of identity or is it the loss of my being… since I strongly know that once this love is consumed I shall be thrown out again…. I wouldn’t be able to show my face again and expectations will refuse to exist…. With this love consumed …I shall not only be lonely but a waste….hell shall consume me then… or maybe hell shall refuse to accept me too…. Tears …. I cover them with my laughter…I hide them behind verbal flirtations… I seek pleasure out of loving an instant that will be soon gone ….vanish in bright light….never to be found…. Snatched away from me like it was never to be mine… afraid to live…afraid to lose …afraid ….
, I am losing you …. My motives unguarded …. I am tired…. Tired…
First Proposal and Understanding Friendship
I faintly remember this guy and it’s weird that I still run a search on social networking sites to find him. To add to my bad luck his name is not as unique as mine. I get a hundred or more search results for his name. He was the first one to have formally proposed me with those three magical words. I was in third grade and a tiny little girl of eight years. For the second time my heart went numb when he held my hand in the middle of a lecture and said it.
“I love you”
That was it. I made a face like Sushmita Sen when she won the beauty pageant. One of those agape mouthed dazed looks. The teacher saw us talking and shouted at him. I was the brighter one so got saved most of the times. It still remains one of the most romantic episodes of my life.
I can still picture him walking hand in hand with me in the play ground. I can still hear him say “Can’t a girl and a boy be friends? My friends tease me because I roam about with you”.
I clearly remember how confident I sounded when I replied to that.
“Of course, a girl and a boy can be friends. Forget what they say. Let’s go play on the swings with others. You can be the Cop again with the other guys or the Ghost.”
He was relieved and held my hand tight and said “Yeah! Let’s go play.”
He fought with me, hit me and ran after me to catch me all the time. I still adored him.
His friends teased us and threatened that he would let out our secret. He was afraid that his “guy” image would be tarnished so he would vent it out by chasing me off most off of the times. The other times he just loved me. It was a blissful adventure back then.
I was sad when his father got transferred and he had to leave school. I still remember the young lad that he was. Bushy eyebrows. Sharp nose. Perfectly shaped lips. He had always been a little taller than I was. He just left. I never realized he was gone. As kids, it never bothered us that we must stay in touch. At least back then it didn’t matter much. I missed him for a few days and a few more maybe.
After he left, there was this other boy in my tiny little world. I can’t find him too. His name is pretty common again. He was my desk partner in school. I once told him that I had loose motions and it felt sick. I thought he would keep it a secret. I trusted him. He went and told the entire world. Everyone laughed at me.
I still remember flashes from the day when he too was leaving. We were all standing outside the classroom with him and his mother. We laughed at what would happen if the fat kid fell over one of us .
We made the best team when it came to playing sports. We spoke a lot with each other. We were true partners but alas! He left too. He was as thin as me and had a tiny face like mine. That is all I remember of him. Somehow, I never realized that he was gone too.
As children it didn’t bother us much that who came or left. The best part about that little phase of my life is that I never forgot what we shared – Friendship. I still adore you my boys and hopefully shall meet you again someday.
“I love you”
That was it. I made a face like Sushmita Sen when she won the beauty pageant. One of those agape mouthed dazed looks. The teacher saw us talking and shouted at him. I was the brighter one so got saved most of the times. It still remains one of the most romantic episodes of my life.
I can still picture him walking hand in hand with me in the play ground. I can still hear him say “Can’t a girl and a boy be friends? My friends tease me because I roam about with you”.
I clearly remember how confident I sounded when I replied to that.
“Of course, a girl and a boy can be friends. Forget what they say. Let’s go play on the swings with others. You can be the Cop again with the other guys or the Ghost.”
He was relieved and held my hand tight and said “Yeah! Let’s go play.”
He fought with me, hit me and ran after me to catch me all the time. I still adored him.
His friends teased us and threatened that he would let out our secret. He was afraid that his “guy” image would be tarnished so he would vent it out by chasing me off most off of the times. The other times he just loved me. It was a blissful adventure back then.
I was sad when his father got transferred and he had to leave school. I still remember the young lad that he was. Bushy eyebrows. Sharp nose. Perfectly shaped lips. He had always been a little taller than I was. He just left. I never realized he was gone. As kids, it never bothered us that we must stay in touch. At least back then it didn’t matter much. I missed him for a few days and a few more maybe.
After he left, there was this other boy in my tiny little world. I can’t find him too. His name is pretty common again. He was my desk partner in school. I once told him that I had loose motions and it felt sick. I thought he would keep it a secret. I trusted him. He went and told the entire world. Everyone laughed at me.
I still remember flashes from the day when he too was leaving. We were all standing outside the classroom with him and his mother. We laughed at what would happen if the fat kid fell over one of us .
We made the best team when it came to playing sports. We spoke a lot with each other. We were true partners but alas! He left too. He was as thin as me and had a tiny face like mine. That is all I remember of him. Somehow, I never realized that he was gone too.
As children it didn’t bother us much that who came or left. The best part about that little phase of my life is that I never forgot what we shared – Friendship. I still adore you my boys and hopefully shall meet you again someday.
First Kiss
I was five years old and it was with a seven year old young lad . By a kiss, I do not mean a peck on the cheek. It was a full on smooch with a little bit of tongue in it. I was half raised in a day care centre run by an aunt, whom I call my fairy Godmother. My mother, a hard-working lady, she put me in the crèche when I was a tiny forty days old baby along with my sister who is a good four years elder to me. I still can’t seem to forget that first kiss. We were put to sleep in the afternoon. Who knew that a five year old could have a perverted monster brain and that a seven year old could have a girlfriend? We were close. What more can I say, but give you the details about our kiss. We both pretended to sleep while the Crèche Aunt’s teenage daughter kept a close watch on us. We drew close still pretending to sleep and our lips touched. Then touched more and we drew closer. I think the Aunt’s daughter saw us in action and shouted out my name loudly. We drew apart and I got up pretending to be in sleep and then slept off again. The instant still remains captured in my pixelated brain. I call it pixelated because I tend to think in pixels. You give me a word and several images are put to action in my tiny little head. If you say ‘run’, I might just lose weight running in my head and not only by running my head.
Let us get back to the description of my first ever straight relationship. We even had same design school bags which got exchanged once. When we grew up to be a little older, say I would be seven years old and he would be nine, our talks grew older in proportion and age too. They became grosser. He was the first one to explain what a Bra was. I knew the purpose of a Bra but never asked my Mum what it was called out of sheer shyness. I wonder how he knew so much. He even wore one of them from the ones that were put to dry out side the window and demonstrated the female upright walk to me. I just made a disgusted face and giggled away to Glory. I am sure Glory would have been embarrassed too.
After we left crèche our interaction became zero though both of us were in the same school. The memory of my first kiss irritated me all the time. I pounded upon my nature and thought. “How could I do it?” I used to follow him and his friends with my friends till my fourth grade. He knew and enjoyed the attention. We teased them and gave them stupid names. They reciprocated in much the same way. That is when I was nine years old. After that he passed on to senior school while I still remained a junior. I almost forgot him. When I became a senior in sixth grade, whenever I happened to see him, it was a bit unnerving. We never spoke after that but whenever we saw each other, we exchanged uneasy glances. We pretended as if we had long forgotten each other though we both knew that none of us could forget it ever.
The last conversation that happened between us while we were still in school is when I was in tenth and he was in twelfth grade. He was a prefect and had caught me and best friend entering late after recess. He said in the rudest of tones- “Get back to your classes”
I gave him an annoying stare and left hurriedly. He behaved as if he had never known me. He looked back with such confident indifference.
I grew older and I am sure he had his own experiences in life too. I was in college third year. One weird day, I receive a mail on one of the social networking sites called Hi5.
“Are you the same girl who used to go to crèche with me and was in the same school?”
I just knew right then that he never could forget it too -the kiss. I wrote back and confirmed him that I was the same girl. He wrote back.
“I still remember some beautiful memories that we shared together while in crèche. I am doubtful if you remember them but I shall cherish them forever.”
It was as if he was teasing my uneasy nerve. We exchanged messenger ids and started talking to each other. The first day we discussed what our lives had been through. The second day a little bit more. And the third came and we started talking about the good old days.
“There’s something that I have never forgotten.”
“ Ahan!”
“ I don’t know how to put it. Don’t even know if you remember.”
“I know what you are talking about.”
“You Do?”
“Let me help you out. We were sleeping or probably pretending to sleep. We drew closer under the bed sheet and hugged.”
“ You were the first girl I kissed.”
“ You were the first boy I ever kissed.”
He never forgot. I wasn’t shocked at the confession. It was something that had haunted both of us for long. We were relieved that we both remembered and at last confessed and let go of the uneasiness. When I elicited the facts, he too told me that he never forgot. He named me baby girlfriend after that and I still call him baby boyfriend. We recently met and spoke to each other almost after fifteen years or more. It was a good mature conversation and that’s how I want to end this chapter of my life. Weird!
Let us get back to the description of my first ever straight relationship. We even had same design school bags which got exchanged once. When we grew up to be a little older, say I would be seven years old and he would be nine, our talks grew older in proportion and age too. They became grosser. He was the first one to explain what a Bra was. I knew the purpose of a Bra but never asked my Mum what it was called out of sheer shyness. I wonder how he knew so much. He even wore one of them from the ones that were put to dry out side the window and demonstrated the female upright walk to me. I just made a disgusted face and giggled away to Glory. I am sure Glory would have been embarrassed too.
After we left crèche our interaction became zero though both of us were in the same school. The memory of my first kiss irritated me all the time. I pounded upon my nature and thought. “How could I do it?” I used to follow him and his friends with my friends till my fourth grade. He knew and enjoyed the attention. We teased them and gave them stupid names. They reciprocated in much the same way. That is when I was nine years old. After that he passed on to senior school while I still remained a junior. I almost forgot him. When I became a senior in sixth grade, whenever I happened to see him, it was a bit unnerving. We never spoke after that but whenever we saw each other, we exchanged uneasy glances. We pretended as if we had long forgotten each other though we both knew that none of us could forget it ever.
The last conversation that happened between us while we were still in school is when I was in tenth and he was in twelfth grade. He was a prefect and had caught me and best friend entering late after recess. He said in the rudest of tones- “Get back to your classes”
I gave him an annoying stare and left hurriedly. He behaved as if he had never known me. He looked back with such confident indifference.
I grew older and I am sure he had his own experiences in life too. I was in college third year. One weird day, I receive a mail on one of the social networking sites called Hi5.
“Are you the same girl who used to go to crèche with me and was in the same school?”
I just knew right then that he never could forget it too -the kiss. I wrote back and confirmed him that I was the same girl. He wrote back.
“I still remember some beautiful memories that we shared together while in crèche. I am doubtful if you remember them but I shall cherish them forever.”
It was as if he was teasing my uneasy nerve. We exchanged messenger ids and started talking to each other. The first day we discussed what our lives had been through. The second day a little bit more. And the third came and we started talking about the good old days.
“There’s something that I have never forgotten.”
“ Ahan!”
“ I don’t know how to put it. Don’t even know if you remember.”
“I know what you are talking about.”
“You Do?”
“Let me help you out. We were sleeping or probably pretending to sleep. We drew closer under the bed sheet and hugged.”
“ You were the first girl I kissed.”
“ You were the first boy I ever kissed.”
He never forgot. I wasn’t shocked at the confession. It was something that had haunted both of us for long. We were relieved that we both remembered and at last confessed and let go of the uneasiness. When I elicited the facts, he too told me that he never forgot. He named me baby girlfriend after that and I still call him baby boyfriend. We recently met and spoke to each other almost after fifteen years or more. It was a good mature conversation and that’s how I want to end this chapter of my life. Weird!
Breaking The Ice
I always wanted a space where in I could just blabber uselessly and no one would really care. I can freely bitch, crib and express my thoughts and not feel scared that one of my close friends or family members might be reading this. I have quite a few blogs and I blog quite regularly but you don't need to know those spaces.
So from now on I shall write all my unrestrained spontaneous thoughts on to this space. Things that I have shared with people but cant rant about often, things that I have never shared before and things I have always wanted to share but have been always so scared to share.
So from now on I shall write all my unrestrained spontaneous thoughts on to this space. Things that I have shared with people but cant rant about often, things that I have never shared before and things I have always wanted to share but have been always so scared to share.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)