Disowned by my own thoughts… ghastly looks at me from a dark corner somewhere….visions blind me…making me insane…prolonged thinking has made me numb…. I feel devastated… the instability inside and out has confused my thoughts … I have started to believe in my own lies…. I am a blessed curse….whatever I touch …I desire to lose the same after a while…. I so wish that my life swayed on wings of phoenix… I could live and die and be reborn likewise…I am in a situation where I am curious ...but wouldn’t ask... wish to ...but wouldn’t say... hesitant but sure ....is it what i am thinking... fallen ...yet again ... ask me ...but have no answers ... wish to be “the forgotten” once more happily.. but fear the loss of identity…I am so confused… I want to believe …but have lost trust in myself …. I am lost in the wilderness and have no one to guide me…I walk alone… I am heart broken… sad… repentance and regret is the state of my thoughts… I wish this life would end right here… I feel as if I have seen enough… I want to feel …touch again…but reluctance is what haunts my senses… I don’t know where to go from here...
touch me …feel me…fill me up with your love and compassion…. Ravish me…. my divine spirit…strip me off of my coldness…. Awaken for once and make me happy…truly happy… tell me “I found you”…. I am burdened by this animosity towards oneself…I feel worthless …. I am falling apart… I want to run away…or maybe follow the wildest of my thoughts….i know it wouldn’t be morally correct ….but I am so urged to…lured towards ….i feel a strong attraction towards these unchaste thoughts and a weak association with them…. Help me …awaken again and strengthen my soul…. Distract my shaken thoughts elsewhere…otherwise i would stop existing to you or anyone …and you will be lost…. I don’t wish to lose you …
My unblemished desires are threatening to become my wants …I am scared … wants shouldn’t become my needs… decision is made…I am alone…I shall not allow anyone into my shell… laughter itself poisons my heart to ache with misery…. Every single smile on mine and others faces reminds me of how lonely and sad I am…. I don’t have anyone anymore who would try and understand me …I am such a LOSER… lost all that was old and I am so afraid to build anew… instability is what others seek out of me while I am looking for something stable which defines my unknown existence… its my own doing… every single folly is to be blamed onto me… seeking to be perfectly nice has ruined my living… my being is marked by submissiveness… remorse and regret …regret for whatever I have done against my wishes to make others happy….people have come and gone in my life…have always given them what they wished for from me…. Overlooking that every single act of mine to make others happy has rendered my spirit hollow…. Yes hollow is the word that defines me…. I have become a lifeless person with a plastic smile stuck onto her face and humor injected in her bloodstream, just to make others comfortable around the being I have become… I am alien to the world when I am in my true being…people deny to recognize me…. So I guess this is what I have become… a hypocrite …double faced …stupid loser… who cannot take out her fury on anyone or anything in the world…and who must and will drown in her solitude….i have stopped living for myself and trying hard to exist among all others around me…. My spectrum of life is diminishing….
…take me … make love to me … and let me rest my face on your lap……hug me tight and let me listen to your soft rhythmic breath...make me feel you need me more than I need you… that I belong ..i belong here with you… don’t go …don’t go… tears yet again…..
Weird… absurd … yet honest …. That’s me …. Honesty has taken me to a forlorn undesired place… my turbulent thoughts and fickle senses have rendered my spirit to its rakish desires… what have I become???… there is just no one who can define me… I feel I am lost in the wilderness of something called life…. These labyrinths have entangled my notions …I am stupefied …struck by a lightening bolt …I stand unguarded for yet another to strike me and est my spirit…I guess only then would i find a sense of adventure to calm my flinching senses …. , I feel damned… reaching out to something becomes an overreaching thought…. Material gains have also stopped satisfying my pampered self… I am tired of pampering myself..it doesn’t make me happy anymore…gives me a realization that I lack so much … fill in the emptiness inside me before it fills me in it…grasps me and sucks me inside it like a black hollow conical hurricane… shreds me into infinitesimal particles of matter that will be lost in the universe…. I feel like a zombie…. Just that life is feeding on me….grave thoughts enter my mind….
… I go out on long walks…I keep walking till my feet get tired… my lungs troubled…but gain nothing but insaneness…it just gets worse… chronic illness…call it psychological…. Is what I have earned living like this…. I wait for someone who doesn’t exist …. My wait is eternal… I know that this someone wouldn’t come …there is no savior in real life… no one can get me out of these sad thoughts …this is my doing and I have to make it well… I am being irrational and unrealistic by putting the task on some figment of my imagination… , I also know that I really want it bad…my life is hell right now… these hellish flames are burning and destroying life in and around me… I need a savior… I have become a vagabond looking for this illusionary being in others… I so want to let go of my past and live my present… but my past actions that have blemished my physical being will never let me come in terms of my present…and I know I can never find someone who would take me as I am now… tarnished for life….
I know I don’t want to look back but it is the only option that I have left for myself…. I know I have become strong enough to let go…but am I strong enough to come in terms with what I have become??… a forlorn creature …. Whose existence doesn’t make a difference to anyone …suicidal yet again…but afraid to live a paralysed life…insane…. I should just die ….but then….
I know I shouldn’t expect anything… and when I do, I blame my reflexes… I know I don’t have the right to but I still try …. I know “the end” will only make the situation worse … its not rejection what I fear …its refusal … I can never feel complete again… the right to expect has been snatched away from me… my being scares me and it scares life around me… still existing ….i am such a fucked up retard…damned …I am … for life and eternity….
the only thing that keeps me moving is my unconditional love for others… coz I can only love …and not be loved… when it consumes me I shall be completely lost …. I wish I could give away everything that one seeks out of me …. But morality and shame keeps me away from consuming these blatant thoughts in action… ambiguity screams and benumbs my ears… my head pounds …. I so wish to give away myself for the love I feel for some … I don’t know what stops me … is it scarcity of opportunity or fear of the revelation… is it the loss of identity or is it the loss of my being… since I strongly know that once this love is consumed I shall be thrown out again…. I wouldn’t be able to show my face again and expectations will refuse to exist…. With this love consumed …I shall not only be lonely but a waste….hell shall consume me then… or maybe hell shall refuse to accept me too…. Tears …. I cover them with my laughter…I hide them behind verbal flirtations… I seek pleasure out of loving an instant that will be soon gone ….vanish in bright light….never to be found…. Snatched away from me like it was never to be mine… afraid to live…afraid to lose …afraid ….
, I am losing you …. My motives unguarded …. I am tired…. Tired…
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